Thurs. Jan 6th
todays breakfast: v. large homemade muffin, butter, cereal, yogurt, grapes
lunch: 1+c. bean soup, salad w/ dressing, 1 full cup of pasta w. tom. sauce, multigrain roll, small ice cream with 7-8 vanilla wafers.
OK, seemed like a small bomb went off in the lunch room during this lunch today. Nearly every
person at the table had or expressed an issue afterwards about the amount of pasta. For me this was consumed after breakfast and then 2 Ensures in mid morning, so it did seem like a whole lot of food and a lot to get through in 30 minutes. The unit staff did point out this was a challenging meal for many people at Columbia. I laughed for a moment thinking what an outsider's obsevation of the whole meal would have been. At moments, the objections seem legitimate, and upon a some reflection, they can seem blown out of proportion. The thing that got me through it was realizing that this is part of my treatment, my duty. I saw a video about the Keys experiment on refeeding during the War, and the participants dedication to the cause was inspiring.
Some days it is just work ( or survival ) getting through a meal(s).
On Sat., one of the nice nurses took several of us ( now 5 all total ) the Hispanic Society which houses lots of great Spanish art including some Goyas and some fantastic works by Joaquin Bastida. There was an amazing 4 wall mural of festival scenes in Spain. Today, the same gang went up the Cloisters for a short look around at the museum ( weather was very cold, so happy to be inside). One hour is not much time, but it is still a special place and hope to get back there before I leave.
Seems that my steady gaining has slowed a little bit.
As of last Thur., I now have ordered as part of my daily calories 3 Ensures which can be spread out between 3 snack times. I am currently trying 2 in the morning which leaves me pretty unhungry for lunch. The other hard part of this is that my body, like some folk here, does not dig these drinks and generally feels pretty gassy and rumbly afterwards. Not really digging it, but it is necessary for my continued weight gain.
My approach to meals generally these days is much calmer and settled which is a big accomplishment for me. My thoughts about what i'm eating still carry some number of doubts, but I hope that the continued practice and eventually passes out will help me gradually phase out these 'phantoms'.
Jan.12
I had a particularly challenging meal yesterday at lunch w. a very high volume of food ( juice,1c fruit, pasta cauliflower), and one of the items on the tray was fried fish cakes. The whole experience left me feeling pretty woozy and nauseous, and was made a little harder by going out on a field trip to a dance performance while coping with this. When I returned, I was feeling pretty 'green' . I was concerned about just getting through the rest of day without a breakdown. (The dance performance was some modern ballet with a troupe of 8 dancers called the James Sewall group. Very offbeat and good.)
I chose not to eat 100% of my food at dinner and snack ( I had maybe 80%) feeling that was the right thing to do. As a consequence ( it's a hard rule), I am on the unit all day today. My lead attending Dr. was pretty concerned that I had made this decision and strongly urged me to eat everything even when feeling poor , and consider it my medicine even if it makes me uncomfortable. I guess I will have to 'buck up' and try harder if this happens again. Not easy to make a choice , and then be told it was not a good one for recovery.
Things generally have gotten harder, not easier, for me. This may be due to my written 3 Ensures a day, or may be from a sense of what is next for me. Hard to still be in the thick of it and thinking about the future too.
At present, I am realizing that there is some end in sight for me here. I may have about 5+ weeks more time here. In about 2 1/2 weeks, I should be able to go off unit on passes.
This is bringing up a lot of questions for myself like:
Who am I ? What is my sense of self?
How am I going to change my working life in a way that will be happy and healthy for me??
How am I going to handle taking care of myself when I leave?
It's easy to lose sight of you're individuality here focusing on gaining weight mainly.
If any of you readers out there have any insights for me, George, on who I am fundamentally, how I present myself to the world , let me know.
Getting feedback from you if you are inspired to means a lot to me, particularly at this stage.
