The Christmas weekend is wrapping up here. I must confess that this is one year I am glad that it's over quickly.
The 24th and the anticipation and spirit of it was OK, but the 25th was really a stark reminder that I am far from family and home. Our midday holiday meal was nicely presented ( and appreciated) , but was lacking in much celebratory spirit ( we did have an interesting pyro show when the cooks lit the paper table cloth on fire). It was also very much out of the ordinary for me to have it right in the middle of the day after 1200 calories in the AM. I was pretty blue. What I had to realize is that I'm not here to celebrate the holidays and have a good time, but truly for the purpose of getting better.
My brother wisely pointed something out that rang true for me r.e. this holiday. For many in this country, we are very attached to Christmases past and all the traditions and trappings of them. When we become adults, it is very common to be trying to chase the past ghosts, thrills, experiences, etc - which inevitably causes us some disappointment.
The more fitting way to celebrate is simply reach for being with family, sharing a little cheer, and taking a little time to be quiet and celebrate the endings, beginnings, and blessings which we have.
I truly look forward sharing the future holidays with my family and friends in a more engaged, comfortable, present way.
I am doing OK at present. Some days seem pretty tough. Other stretches pretty decent.
We now have only 7 people on the unit which feels pretty different from when I arrived and there were 12.
At times it feels a bit like being in a monastery - lots of time for reflection. It will probably be this way going forward for several weeks. I am missing a bit some of the connections i had with the more recovered patients, and feel a bit more on my own private journey. I think I might be happier with a few more people here for more input and sharing of stories, but this is not the reality at present. I guess for this reason I appreciate the weekdays, because they're busy and steady.
Last week I went out on a group lunch pass w. the nutritionist and 3 other peers to a Middle Eastern place in the neighborhood. We all had shish kebabs with hummus, babag., lots of rice and pita. It was fair to good food. At the end, Mary (we'll call her) the nutritionist told us what we still needed to get at Starbucks to make our 900 calorie amount for lunch. I had to finish with a grande Pumpkin Spice latte to roughly hit my mark. It was a v. good learning experience to see what's on a plate and how much one needs to get. Overall, it was really just great to go out and have a relatively normal meal experience and walk back on the streets without feeling v. rushed. Nice taste of things to come - my first external practice for upcoming passes out.
This week I will meet a couple more times with my resident counselor. Sorry to see him go, but hopefully can get going OK with the new gal next week.
We had a big storm overnight and had essentially a snow day on the unit today - was kind of like a Sunday. Lots of playing in the snow outside. Reminds me of my upstate NY days. Man, they are a bit slow digging out - had a bunch of things cancelled on Mon. and Tues. Thank God and a few nurses for ventures out into the neighborhood.
thanks to those who sent me notes over the holiday sending they're wishes - it was really appreciated.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
skating ,emotions, & holiday
It's been a pretty interesting week that is wrapping up. Got off to a good start with my menu selections appearing on my tray regularly. Happy to not be getting apple juice 2-3xs a day. Food overall is pretty decent/good, but sometimes selections let you down ( this afternoon's choice was steak - never order steak in an institution). Tonight I also got the packaged Sara Lee brownie (a la 7 Eleven) which was not my favorite.
But also had Chix Cacciatore w. paste last night which was really good. Seems little by little i'm getting more comfortable with foods i used to avoid ( baked goods, sherbert, fresh fruit in larger quatities, etc).
My head still has a ways to go yet to catch up with my eating.
Was very happy to get to go on a group field trip on Wed. to Bryant Park in the heart of downtown for some ice skating in an outdoor rink ( Rockerfeller cntr is v. expensive). Considering that i"m a pretty fair skater, it was really good fun, doubly so because we were out in the city with all the holiday things in the air and Ella Fitzgerald playing over the loud speakers. Rather unfortunately, some young bozo knocked me off my feet from behind and caused me to fall on my left wrist and sprain it pretty good. Cut my trip out a little bit short. Still glad I went. Swelling in the wrist has come down a lot, and should be back to normal within a week.
Beginning of week was good for my head space : felt that I was being more open with my therapy team and trying to trust in them and be straight. Hope that I can keep talking in this quiet week ahead.
Had some pretty strong emotions come flowing out of me towards the end of the week out of the blue after a simple writing exercise. This was unexpected and kind of scary , felt a bit like going over a waterfall suddenly without a way to get off. I wanted to disappear to a quiet place for the rest of the day, but that was not realistic. I will be working with a nurse here learn emotional processing skills to help.
Had a nice walk on Sat. in the neighborhood and found out the Manahattan where I am is not very wide. There is a nice park on the W. side called Edgecomb prk that we walked in w. a view of the East river.
Got my hair cut at a local Dominican barber shop here - not much English spoken , but the hair cut was cheap and respectable- thanks to nurse Michael for taking me.
I was not feeling v. good today likely because a sore neck. So I have muddled through as best I can. One of my personal challenges is learning how to keep going and taking care of things when not feeling well.
The regular schedule of eating doesn't stop. There are definitely times that I wish I could get off the train and check out for a bit. This program does not offer that option ( not until you reach you're 90% BMI - a ways off for me). Sometimes this is really hard for me - this evening is one of them. The question is really about self care and being good to yourself. Tom. will be a new and better day.
The good news is my weight continues to make steady progress. Now hoping for the head to come along too. The upcoming holiday week will be a bit quieter - will allow a bit more time for processing , reflecting, resting, etc. Just want to keep myself moving and up and engaged.
Hope this post wasn't too rambling. Thanks for continuing to read - keep in touch, you all.
But also had Chix Cacciatore w. paste last night which was really good. Seems little by little i'm getting more comfortable with foods i used to avoid ( baked goods, sherbert, fresh fruit in larger quatities, etc).
My head still has a ways to go yet to catch up with my eating.
Was very happy to get to go on a group field trip on Wed. to Bryant Park in the heart of downtown for some ice skating in an outdoor rink ( Rockerfeller cntr is v. expensive). Considering that i"m a pretty fair skater, it was really good fun, doubly so because we were out in the city with all the holiday things in the air and Ella Fitzgerald playing over the loud speakers. Rather unfortunately, some young bozo knocked me off my feet from behind and caused me to fall on my left wrist and sprain it pretty good. Cut my trip out a little bit short. Still glad I went. Swelling in the wrist has come down a lot, and should be back to normal within a week.
Beginning of week was good for my head space : felt that I was being more open with my therapy team and trying to trust in them and be straight. Hope that I can keep talking in this quiet week ahead.
Had some pretty strong emotions come flowing out of me towards the end of the week out of the blue after a simple writing exercise. This was unexpected and kind of scary , felt a bit like going over a waterfall suddenly without a way to get off. I wanted to disappear to a quiet place for the rest of the day, but that was not realistic. I will be working with a nurse here learn emotional processing skills to help.
Had a nice walk on Sat. in the neighborhood and found out the Manahattan where I am is not very wide. There is a nice park on the W. side called Edgecomb prk that we walked in w. a view of the East river.
Got my hair cut at a local Dominican barber shop here - not much English spoken , but the hair cut was cheap and respectable- thanks to nurse Michael for taking me.
I was not feeling v. good today likely because a sore neck. So I have muddled through as best I can. One of my personal challenges is learning how to keep going and taking care of things when not feeling well.
The regular schedule of eating doesn't stop. There are definitely times that I wish I could get off the train and check out for a bit. This program does not offer that option ( not until you reach you're 90% BMI - a ways off for me). Sometimes this is really hard for me - this evening is one of them. The question is really about self care and being good to yourself. Tom. will be a new and better day.
The good news is my weight continues to make steady progress. Now hoping for the head to come along too. The upcoming holiday week will be a bit quieter - will allow a bit more time for processing , reflecting, resting, etc. Just want to keep myself moving and up and engaged.
Hope this post wasn't too rambling. Thanks for continuing to read - keep in touch, you all.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
rainy Sunday
Have just wrapped up an atypical weekend here amidst a pretty steady downfall of rain ( and warm - 50s).
Our nursing staff was different over the 2days and we lost a rec. guy do to cold. So we didn't get our usual round of outdoor walks. I did get my first taste of freedom though - Sat. to Rite Aid, and today to the Dollar Store and to a Dominican clothing store ( lots of loud music) - even got a hoodie sweatshirt. Next week should be more interesting and better for the soul.
Curiously, even being outside ( with nurse following), it was a reminder that I am like at least 1/2 the folk here under constant supervision. NY is a frenetic, jumbled place - esp. in Wash. Heights. Christmas at the moment feels kind of distant for me - hope you all out there are enjoying some of the pleasures of it in you're days.
Had a bit of an accident while tossing the frisbee around on Sat. eve - my face ended up colliding with the top of a trash can. Still feeling a bit sore, and have the beginnings of a shiner. Hoping to feel a little less sore tomorrow. This may have contributed to my fairly blue mood today. Mood seems to fluctuate pretty regularly at the moment - wish it was more stable and generally up.
Very happy to know that starting Mon, that the food trays will have selections on it regularly made by me.
This will be somewhat of a relief not having to see so much of one thing , like apple juice or vanilla wafers on nearly every tray.
This week we have a field trip Wed. and an inhouse bookfair on Wed. and Thur. to look forward to.
sweet dreams of winter, and happy Dec. 12.5 !
Our nursing staff was different over the 2days and we lost a rec. guy do to cold. So we didn't get our usual round of outdoor walks. I did get my first taste of freedom though - Sat. to Rite Aid, and today to the Dollar Store and to a Dominican clothing store ( lots of loud music) - even got a hoodie sweatshirt. Next week should be more interesting and better for the soul.
Curiously, even being outside ( with nurse following), it was a reminder that I am like at least 1/2 the folk here under constant supervision. NY is a frenetic, jumbled place - esp. in Wash. Heights. Christmas at the moment feels kind of distant for me - hope you all out there are enjoying some of the pleasures of it in you're days.
Had a bit of an accident while tossing the frisbee around on Sat. eve - my face ended up colliding with the top of a trash can. Still feeling a bit sore, and have the beginnings of a shiner. Hoping to feel a little less sore tomorrow. This may have contributed to my fairly blue mood today. Mood seems to fluctuate pretty regularly at the moment - wish it was more stable and generally up.
Very happy to know that starting Mon, that the food trays will have selections on it regularly made by me.
This will be somewhat of a relief not having to see so much of one thing , like apple juice or vanilla wafers on nearly every tray.
This week we have a field trip Wed. and an inhouse bookfair on Wed. and Thur. to look forward to.
sweet dreams of winter, and happy Dec. 12.5 !
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
goal achieved + coping
Good news for me today - I made my weight goal to reach my next level ( III ) here.
So I am now at 75% of my 90% goal down the road for finishing. This means that I now ( upon final approval) get some more privileges, like menu planning/ input, more classes like cooking group and yoga, and eligibility for group walks and trips off unit - if on track next week, will be going on an ice skating trip!! This is all remains in effect as long as I make my 3/4 lb weight goal every M, W, and Friday.
My next goal will be 85% of my 90 BMI - this is about 15 lbs away. So far , I have gained 10 lbs. Seems like a long way to go - just have to keep my gaze on the day to day. For now, I will just appreciate these new additions to my privileges and find enjoyment and motivation for more from them.
I am still grappling a fair amount with discomfort stemming from a sore neck and shoulder. This causes a fairly steady and dull tension headache which I am doing best to manage with Tylenol, and tom. hopefully Ibuprofen. Hot showers is my other main panacea. Learning to accept a certain amount of discomfort and pain may be a part of pathway going forward - not sure if there's much chance in getting other treatment on-unit at present.
I will need some wisdom and strength in this department going forward.
We have 3 more patients discharging in the next week - it is bittersweet to make connections with some of these lovely people, and then watch them move on with they're lives. Just trying to be open and share the process with all here so that we can support each other. I guess life is filled with connections and departures that keep rolling by.
stay warm, y'all.
So I am now at 75% of my 90% goal down the road for finishing. This means that I now ( upon final approval) get some more privileges, like menu planning/ input, more classes like cooking group and yoga, and eligibility for group walks and trips off unit - if on track next week, will be going on an ice skating trip!! This is all remains in effect as long as I make my 3/4 lb weight goal every M, W, and Friday.
My next goal will be 85% of my 90 BMI - this is about 15 lbs away. So far , I have gained 10 lbs. Seems like a long way to go - just have to keep my gaze on the day to day. For now, I will just appreciate these new additions to my privileges and find enjoyment and motivation for more from them.
I am still grappling a fair amount with discomfort stemming from a sore neck and shoulder. This causes a fairly steady and dull tension headache which I am doing best to manage with Tylenol, and tom. hopefully Ibuprofen. Hot showers is my other main panacea. Learning to accept a certain amount of discomfort and pain may be a part of pathway going forward - not sure if there's much chance in getting other treatment on-unit at present.
I will need some wisdom and strength in this department going forward.
We have 3 more patients discharging in the next week - it is bittersweet to make connections with some of these lovely people, and then watch them move on with they're lives. Just trying to be open and share the process with all here so that we can support each other. I guess life is filled with connections and departures that keep rolling by.
stay warm, y'all.
Friday, December 3, 2010
questions....
If I have made a strong, positive choice for myself, why do I feel so weak and fragile and feeling down about my situation???? Could not have anticipated a few weeks ago how hard some of this would be.
Having a pretty rough night tonight. Combination of a pretty sore neck, and feeling of nausea. Just want to keep moving through snack and get some good rest. Thanks for being good readers.
Having a pretty rough night tonight. Combination of a pretty sore neck, and feeling of nausea. Just want to keep moving through snack and get some good rest. Thanks for being good readers.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
A typical eating day
TODAY'S MEALS: ( time to consume -30 min. and no more)
8AM
breakfast - english muffin( butter) w/ 2 scrambld eggs
two bowels of Raisin Bran w/ 8oz whole milk
orange juice
( I was lucky to get quick visit to coffee shop for a coffee after)
10AM 1 Ensure Plus
12 noon
lunch - vegetable lasagna
1 whole wheat roll w/ butter
salad with 1000 island drsng
cherry oatmeal cookie
3PM 1 Ensure Plus ( this was a chosen extra - we are allowed 1 PRN Ensure a day)
5PM
baked chicken breast
1c. rice with butter
1/2 cooked vegetables
2/3c. kidney beans in sauce
8oz chocolate milk
vanilla pudding packet
8PM
1 Ensure Plus
8oz apple juice
1 golden apple w/1 packet peanut butter
all meals are followed usually by a short fresh air break incl. in a 1 hour Close Observation ( C.O.) period that runs for 1 full hour after all meals - must be in common areas near nurses
meals and days vary on a 30 day rotation - biggest challenge sometimes is getting it all down in 30 min. exactly.
8AM
breakfast - english muffin( butter) w/ 2 scrambld eggs
two bowels of Raisin Bran w/ 8oz whole milk
orange juice
( I was lucky to get quick visit to coffee shop for a coffee after)
10AM 1 Ensure Plus
12 noon
lunch - vegetable lasagna
1 whole wheat roll w/ butter
salad with 1000 island drsng
cherry oatmeal cookie
3PM 1 Ensure Plus ( this was a chosen extra - we are allowed 1 PRN Ensure a day)
5PM
baked chicken breast
1c. rice with butter
1/2 cooked vegetables
2/3c. kidney beans in sauce
8oz chocolate milk
vanilla pudding packet
8PM
1 Ensure Plus
8oz apple juice
1 golden apple w/1 packet peanut butter
all meals are followed usually by a short fresh air break incl. in a 1 hour Close Observation ( C.O.) period that runs for 1 full hour after all meals - must be in common areas near nurses
meals and days vary on a 30 day rotation - biggest challenge sometimes is getting it all down in 30 min. exactly.
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